I Quit Lyme

My old roommate in college had a phrase she would repeat every time we had midterms, finals or life in general was just overwhelming she would say or usually yell "I quit life." Of course we all knew she was just kidding and was a little stressed out with college, work and life overall, and to this day I still thinks it's a little silly but something I'll always remember her by. Today I quit lyme. Not literally, but this weekend I have thrown in the towel so to speak and give up.

I just started a job a few weeks ago, to get my life a little more normal. I started on new sleep medication to help me sleep better and have little to no insomnia, but after working 6 straight days and being emotional, mentally and physically exhausted I couldn't take it anymore after work last night. I was emotionally high strung, a little cranky, and completely exhausted; all ingredients for a self pity party and a good long cry ( which I needed and continued tonight.)

As as sat in the shower with hot water streaming down on me I began to cry out, hoping that no one would hear me, and I just sat there crying and contemplating my life at that very moment. I can count on my hand the amount of times I've had a mini break down or a pessimistic day during this whole Lyme disease thing. 4 or 5 times in the last 19 months, this one though, was a doozy. I thought about my relationship with my boyfriend, why I didn't deserve to be with him, and then I really got down to it, the real reason I was so upset and frustrated. I've been so optimistic these past 19 months with everything I've gone through but I just couldn't pretend anymore. I don't think I knew I was pretending, I just didn't know why I was so upset and hurt, and then it hit me. I was angry with God.

All this time I have felt and still do that God has a reason for all of this, not once have I been angry, but in reality I am. I'm hurt and frustrated by the fact that so much has gone on in my life the past 4- 5 years and this is the icing. I've suffered through death, depression, failing out of college, surgeries, losing my home of 17 years, all these things that are just freckles in comparison to one's life, and then I get sick and I can't handle it anymore. I'm hurt, I'm done, I just can't do it anymore. I'm not giving up, I'm just giving in because I can't take anymore of this pain I have everyday inside of me. I just want it all to go away.

I'm living in my parent's home, free, have a job to save up money for when I move one day, but I'm unhappy. This home is not mine, I feel like a guest most of the time, I feel like I've lost my home somewhere and I don't know where it is. I'm in this town waiting, just waiting to see what the next move is and it's taking a toll on me, so I quit, I surrender, I give up, because I can't handle anymore of this and I don't think my sanity can last much longer.